Silent Places

There are little hidden places all over Sweethaven Farm. Musty little caverns, cracks in walls all through the wood shed that reveal soft and glowing objects. Bone, powdery mould, rotten things, crumbing surfaces and soft little amorphous beings.

I found a little cave or burrough. The mushroom was growing in it's entrance. Earth smells exaggerated.

The bark has many subtle colours and came from the kindling pile.

People wonder why I don't use lots more colour in my work and I am stunned. There are a hundred colours of white, grey and a thousand browns from fawn to chestnut. I am lucky in that I see those colours.
This makes my husband laugh. He says he once saw the primaries and black and white and was completely confused when he'd be looking for something from me and I'd ask him to find me the baltic blue one that has a touch of maroon. He went to describe his yellow t-shirt last weekend and when asked the colour he said a soft yellow that was a cool yellow that leaned to the taupe. My influence there.

I thought about people who dream in black and white. What whites? What blacks? The variations are endless! I wondered if I dreamt in a thousand tints of black and white. And why that was considered lacking creativity.

Heavy Heart

  Busy and hard reality last week. I got my injection which laid me on the floor for a few days. Saw my oncologst who gave me mixed news regarding my health status. The breast cancer has been held at bay and the tumours have shrunk measurably. I am amazed because I have been feelng really awful.

I listed the Vancouver house, found a new artist for my studio and rented out small talk Gallery for the summer.  It is now in serious negotiation for the sale in October.  All brought tears to my eyes. All these changes will be complete in a month or two.

Tim and  I packed up another truck load and have arrived back on Mayne Island wth frends Ayzia and Katherine. My new comfy couches have arrived. The rest of the house contents are now here.

Next truckload is the rest of my studio.

  So I am here for the rest of the summer. It is my new country home.

Deer One went crashing into the bush. He isn't so sure of these other beings.

Deer One

Hive

Ray sent me this photograph of a discovery he made in Golden Ears Park.
This paper wasp hive has been naturally crafted over a bird house. The wasps moved right in.
I bet the birds didn't!

Found my first tiny wasp's nest on Mayne Island and also discovered a line of eight barn swallow nests in the eaves of my wrap around porch. They weren't there last week.

Deer One came for supper again tonight. He is eating all the flowers off the Scottsh Broom.  He greets me now and we stand and stare at each other until he starts eating. His antlers are coming in.

Lichens and Rust.

Next Week

I am trying to remember my most current diagnosis date. It is nearly a year now. I know that
because this is very close to the surgery I had last April or May. I was feeling very tired and getting dizzy. The pain had increased under one arm and I found a swelling on my clavicle. I found a little series of lumps near my most recent masectomy scar. That feeling of dread was creeping back in. Familiar.

I went to see the oncology surgeon and she tossed me in the hospital the next day. Quick. Easy.
Beautiful scar. No concerns.

My surgeon called me back in on a day when people were sicker in the chairs.
I was completely unconcerned and had been packing for the summer season in Wells.

I went in for a follow up appointment and was little shocked to hear that the was a "small" area of cancer.
My surgeon was visibly shaken. We both expressed real sadness. She was sure I had beaten it! We had been at this together for 10 years.

I was booked back into the Cancer Clinic to see a new oncologist. I had cancer. Again or still. He was delightful and sent me for a new test. A PET Scan. Used in Europe and new to Vancouver. Just to get a clearer picture.

The picture was way too clear.

Cancer showed up all over. It had probably not stopped developing for 11 years. It was through my lymph nodes, all around the breast area, in my ribs with a little showing up in my spine and my lymph nodes, I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer that appeared to be very slow growing. All the chemo and radiation did not work. No more chemo would kill it at this point.

Crap.

I was offered a estrogen blocker that showed promise in slowing the growth of the disease.
I left for Wells. Eventually got the hormone blocker by injection. Once a month. Continued taking other hormone blocker by mouth.

I' telling you this because sometime in the next few weeks I will celebrate another year of survival. I am a bit weaker than a year ago, my breathing a little impaired and feeling a little more tired. Pain is more than manageable. I am moodier and sometimes a little nuts. More self centered. Less patient. More urgent sometimes. I am mostly happy and am thriving in my life. I decided to buy a new house on an island.

Last night I sat alone and looked at the sunset through the trees, watched the deer grazing, had a lovely dinner and a glass of wine. This is better than a birthday. 

In the next few weeks I see how this has gone. Clearly not dead yet!!!
  

Getting There

Husband Tim, me and son Bren getting ready to enter our Sweethaven for the first time
Easter weekend. Moving in Session 2 today and tomorrow. Session studio next weekend.
All done by ferry boat and a little help from my family and friends.