I came home last night to my little Vancouver apartment and slept in my own bed.
My postings have been non existent.
I am still alive. I was rushed by ambulance to Acute Care from the Cancer Clinic with lungs full of pneumonia. I had no wait in the Emergency Ward and was placed on oxygen and pain killers immediately. I was surrounded by more specialists and nurses than I can imagine. I have almost no memory of a week of my life.
Sometime during that time I was placed in a room alone. The room was gorgeous and overlooked the ocean and the beautiful city. I woke up and fell to sleep to the sight of ships and clouds through huge windows.
My lungs started to collapse and I fell into an abyss fighting for every breath. I would wake to my mother, my children, my vigilent husband, my brothers, my closest friends and extended family.
I started to lapse into release. Letting go. But I was constantly bouyed by my pod who kept me floating. To nurses who heard my need for some comfort and to the biggest stream of Doctors and baby Doctors I can imagine. Specialists doing their best to claim part of me. I railed against their direction at times and Tim kicked in as the most loving and incredible advocate who without fear explained me to them in a way no one else could.
They decided to take away some drugs I relied on to make my life work and suddenly it really started not to work. Avalanches were caused. Everything hurt worse. It was ferocious. The terror and blood pressure became worse. I developed blood pressure problems. Veins started to clog up and develop a deep vein thrombosis and clots that are more than 16 inches long.
And then they did what I needed them to. They did the worst thing I can imagine and made a decision to wash my lungs. To try and identify if I could be treated for a chemical pneumonitis or continue to be treated for infection. There was never infection but a drug interaction that was doing this. A mistake and side effect. The lung washing will leave me with terror for the rest of my life. But it kicked in my lungs and my care. There was no infection anywhere. I was no longer the threat to infect others. I just needed to be rescued from a very bad drug.
I was given other tests that showed more and more. The cancer has left my lungs and some of my lymph nodes. It has not just kept still and even. Cancer has died. I am just on an adjuvent which is acting like a chemo. It is killing some of this cancer. The cancer is in my skull but is not showing up in my brain. I am not cancer free. Just freer of cancer. Less there.
The issue for the last few months was a drug that was a booster to the adjuvant. It would help the statistics slightly. But it back fired. Big time.
I am left with a permenent condition with the chemical pneumonitis and will be on blood thinners for the rest of my life. My voice has been changed. The collapsed lungs will never fully repair. But I can stand up, think and create once again. I tried to sing. No possibility. And I am so deconditioned it will take months to repair my strength. I cannot walk without help to the car. I can no longer lie flat in my bed.
When I was being dismissed yesterday one of the Doctors turned around and said, "You are one strong woman. Go home. Don't come back!"
I have to deal with the mess and the expense that are left but I am home.
Spent my first day out in a wheelchair. I can walk a bit but not for long without breath.
Breath is so precious. So is good, clean air.
|Me. Trying to catch my breath.|
|Day before release minus most of my hair. Day 15.|
|Beloved Butterfly who made it to my window as a gift one morning. I needed to be reminded of frailty .|
|One little stitch at a time.|