Words I Didn't Want To Hear.

Today. I had my appointment with my oncologist. I knew it would be difficult but just not sure how difficult.
I had been asked to do an appointment earlier than normal. Not good. I was in the hospital two or so weeks ago with oxygen intake and heart problems. They took x-rays and did a scan. Lots of blood work and sent me home with the understanding I would take it easy.

That and results of a few biopsies and MRI. I am sicker. It appears the cancer has now spread to the thoracic region of my spine and has possibly hit the bottom of my skull. It is causing facial numbness and lots of shoulder and chest pain. The drugs I am on only partly explain my exhaustion.

I was handed a pamphlet. "Advanced Treatment Planning".  Haven't read it.

For the first time it was suggested to me that I might be doing the denial thing. I don't think so. This is not that hard to understand and as a "friend" yelled at me two weeks ago when I asked for support, "We are all fucking dying". Too true.

All I have is this life. It isn't much but it is all there is. I am not a person of faith. My accomplishments will be forgotten shortly. The me of me. All dust or smoke. And there is no stamped end date or death would have come in 2009.

 This disease will be a thing of the past soon and I have done my best to live as long as possible to see in new treatments. They are now offering me a choice of adjuvents and the possibility of chemo for the rest of my life.

Today coming back to Sweethaven is extra special. There were three deer near the gate standing in a row like sentry. The ducks came running to greet. They did the wing flapping and the tail wagging thing.  A lovely sunset happened. How welcome back is that?

Home For Rest