It is my 55th birthday today. I am caught completely off guard.
I couldn't wait to be 10 years old because it meant I could have a bike and write two numbers down when asked my age. I couldn't wait to be thirteen because it meant I was a teenager. I couldn't wait to 16 because it meant I could get my learner's permit and work. Then I couldn't wait to be 18 because it meant I could finish high school. I nearly busted to be 21 because it meant I could buy my own booze and have legal sex and get married.
Truth was I didn't wait for any of those things. I just lied about my age and got away with everything. I put on make-up and heels and went to the bar at 15. I started working at 14 with false ID. I finished school at 17 and got married at 19. I had my first baby at 21 and was separated by 24. I guess I just needed to get on with life and childhood didn't suit me much.
I wish I had known that life seems to go on forever unless something happens. Things happen all the time. When I was young I just knew too much and now I feel like I know so little. I thought my parents were perfect but no one is. I thought you could plan for every aspect of life and that everything was optomistic. Then I thought I would do everything better and with more thought and consideration.
I know a few things now that my mother knew. Like babies are exhausting but they last for such a short time. That the pang you feel for them never changes. That they think you are perfect and then they don't. That forgiveness is hard. That there is lots to forgive and be forgiven.
That real love sticks to your ribs like a good stew.
3 comments:
Happy birthday P!Thank god all of life's lessons aren't handed to us as an owner's manual when we reach 16--we'd never understand it and we'd do it wrong-er anyways :}
Thank you Arlee B.
Imagine living life with the rules of a sixteen year old! OHMYGOD!
I used to walk everywhere in bare feet 'cause I didn't know people spit on the ground.
Wish I knew that the scary , skinny, ugly boys would grow up and become fantastic and the cute boys would age and fade away!
Thank goodness I can leave the house now without spending two hours on my makeup to look like I wasn't wearing any! Now I'm not wearing any!
Happy Birthday, Patricia. I am not surprised that our birthdays are so close together, kindred spirits that we are! Wishing you many more years of creative inquiry and genuine inspiration. Warmest wishes - Abigail
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