My work is all about inner landscapes, cell functioning and life force as defined by the botanical and biological. But more consideration and research is needed to take it from object to full blossom.
More experimentation.
I am sad. Hope and future are escaping my life. Medical definitions are stunning me. I am now considered pallativie for all future care. No more healing treatment. All future treatment will be used to make me more comfortable. To try and extend things for awhile. Impossible to comprehend. No capacity to understand mortality.
I am not ready for this and I am stunned by people's push for me to be positive right now. To snap out of this sense of hopelessness. But how do you hope and plan when the other boot is perched and ready to drop. Instead I feel like I am trudging forward. Collapsing into calm and a kind of obedience that has never suited me. Take what is handed. Polite and benign.
I watched a program this week brought over by a new friend. Movie night with chai and Bailey's.
All about brain functioning. I watched intently and considered the beauty of this amazing vehicle that we drive around in for awhile. Our bodies. The command center is even more spectacular and complete. Watching each interaction of a physical and psychological being from conception to death.
Some people are generous through this. Straighten up when things become disordered. But I am lonely in this. It has taken too long. People I love fall away and I don't have time to fill any of the hole that is left. Others know it is there because they have their own and sense a vacancy sign. But there is no vacancy. There is only room for the hole.
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| Beach at the Georgina Point Lighthouse. |
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