Material Witness will focus on extreme textile process. Images will be posted here showing the history of my work, new work, developing projects and inspiration.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Navigating Through

I have been invited more than three times to show in a gallery and the possibility of doing so causes me distress because I will be required to cross over the personal with the professional.

The personal is very unpleasant. The professional is important only in that the invitation is from someone who has been a dedicated follower and advocate of my work for many years.

The personal requires a super human effort to be civilized. Even sort of civilized. Even sort of human. It is hugely upsetting. It involves the ridiculous unnecessary drama resulting from a situation that was heart breaking to me.

This is going to require thought. The person who invited me has asked repeatedly for a few years.
He collects my work. His board of directors include two people who have hurt me. One very intentionally through the theft of ideas and personal betrayal and one without personal knowledge and as a result of manipulation by another.

The whole idea of the gallery looms before me and makes me feel sickened. I have even avoided the community at all costs.

How do other people address dilemmas like this? Where does there capacity to ignore trauma and deep personal insult come from?
My work from the Wonderland show at Numen Gallery. 

I am an honest person who has a difficult time hiding feelings. My feelings in this case are raw and new. I feel invaded on many sides by a personal experience manipulated by another that has left me with enormous self doubt, self consciousness and fear. The selfishness of his actions has invaded two communities that were important to me. I no longer feel comfortable in either.

He had almost no recent successful connection to the creative community before he connected with me. Stepped over me. Carved a swath through my professional life. To say nothing of the impact his selfishness had on me personally at a time I could not protect myself from any of this.
In more normal times this would be a small obstacle. I could muster my own personal shield. But everything is more significant when at my most vulnerable. Life and Death vulnerable.

But my friend and follower wants to show my work in a beautiful gallery out of caring and admiration. He asked again last night. Last week. The week before. Last month.
I just sit here not unsure of his commitment to my work but in a full terror of showing there.

I told him that I will try my best and that I have other obligations I am not meeting. and the truth is I will try my best. I told him my agent will organize it with him. Hopefully the show happens posthumously. Easier that way.

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