Material Witness will focus on extreme textile process. Images will be posted here showing the history of my work, new work, developing projects and inspiration.

Thursday, January 31, 2013


I am drained, demoralized and exhausted. All my own fault.

I have been over functioning again. Afraid of missing one minute
Just did and felt too much..

Not even able to climb out of bed for five minutes at a time.
I was invited to coffee this morning just around the corner and got dressed
and didn't have enough energy to pull on my socks.Sleeping doesn't help.

This medication is starting to get brutal. I am due for another injection
in a day or two/and they really hurt. Not little injections. Two big viles of
freezing cold molasses gets pumped into me every twenty eight days to destroy
any trace of estrogen. My Doctor says she marvels at my pain tolerance. But it stings
like wasp stings and stays that way for about a week. I want to slap her hands away.

The other drugs taken have side effects and mean eating favourite  foods or drink
is becoming more limited by the day. I'd kill for a banana, orange or lovely huge feed of potatoes.
Tofu is gone. Chocolate, wine, shellfish tomato. And the adrenal tumour, past steroids and pain
mean there has been a huge weight gain. Really not my fault. But people don't know that and do the
equivalent of serious bullying by talking about proper nutrition like I am mentally disabled.

I spent last night vomiting and choking for air.

I am cranky and unreasonable. I hurt. Fear keeps creeping in and one important person
 I thought would be kind and understanding was the opposite.

Cancer is not for sissies! So I get up and try for another day to find joy, sensuality and sweetness.
And a real and rich life. Sometimes I just can't. And I need to finish this quick before someone prays 
to earn their narcissistic way into heaven.

I still walk, talk and breath still. Apples taste sweet  and my quilt is my best friend.

My self indulgent rant.

My creativity doesn't stop but I feel blocked when it comes to action.


arlee said...

no silly words, and no cyberhugs because that would be trite and trivializing--i just want you to want to and to make art

material witness said...