Here and Now

Throughout the night different people checked to see if I was okay.
Jim covered me up about 3. Femke stayed  through the night and helped me get up
and drink water and just sat and waited for the pain to subside'
Emily called out for me in the night. She sang and danced and kissed me alright all day.
Hils came and sat and nursed her tiny baby.

Tim for the first time in weeks collapsed and slept so deep nothing can wake him because he is not the only one here. The only one vigilant and caring. The only one responsible. He leaves work in 5 days.

3 times I just counted to see if it could be conquered. The pain layers were so deep it was like blankets.
Which got too hot and eventually had to be peeled away. Or until I could catch my breathing and stop
the tightening anxiety from the relentlessness of this pain. And I did. I know too much about my workings now that I can see the diagram of a human body and identify where it hurts. Defined by little dotted lines of certainty. And sometimes it abruptly stops. Completely. I do not move then.

Last night just as the sun was starting to leave us they packed me up and drove me to the beach. I was deliriously happy. SO perfect watching Jim and Emily paddle in the cold water. Listening to Hil and Jim call back and forth in Glaswegian lilting conversation. Tim smiling. Met neighbours. A carpenter named mark and Derek from the neighbouring Fire 'Hall. And we left. Me being lifted from my chair not only by Tim but by Jim, helped up the hill by two men and into the car.

We got back to Sweethaven to soft rain and frog song. We ate a supper almost completely provided from my garden efforts. Pasta, tomatoes, basil and garlic made into a sweet simple meal. Femke came and the wine came out and so did all she brings like laughter and light. And we were all so happy. I was covered up and drugged and fed and watered. One sip of this delicious and rich Bordeaux was all I was allowed but it was one sip from the crackling warmth of the room.

And Emily treated us with her version of Highland Dancing. She was astounded when she saw them. A herd of Fallow deer in full antler. "Oh Mama! Auntie Pat! The reindeer came!". She sat and felt the magic of Sweethaven in the last light. We all did.

I don't know if this is what it is now. But the beauty of it all still comes. Even in short gasps.

I am not alone. I am still here. I am fully in love with my life.

Today everyone wants to thread a needle or ten so I can try to sew despite this tremor taking over my movement. I can try can't I? And if that doesn't work there are still reindeer, soft rain and frog song.

The beach we were on. Bennet Bay, Mayne Island