Material Witness will focus on extreme textile process. Images will be posted here showing the history of my work, new work, developing projects and inspiration.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Eyes are Everywhere

My eye sight has deteriorated quicker than was expected. The sun hurts them and makes it so I am living a vampire's existence in the dusk, evening and early morning. If I look in the sunlight or if it catches my eyes, everything goes sheet white. No forms or no shadows until I can find the darkness again.

I am frustrated with my lack of ability to see properly and keep getting advice from people about not being frustrated and looking on the "bright side". I am not generally, a "bright sider".
I get even more frustrated with unsolicited advice from people who aren't suffering anything.

My surgery date hasn't been set yet. I am frustrated with waiting my turn. I am reminded that other people have it worse. I know that. My situation is what is in front of me.

I think my frustration is about anger at the situation. This problem was caused by taking massive steroids to save my life from a medical mistake. They radiated my lungs during radiation and it took a year of not being able to breath properly from burns. Before that was four months treatment for an infection so massive nurses came to the house to clean and drain it every day. The infection was caused by a simple lumpectomy. The infection would not have happened if they hadn't lost a radiation pin in the right breast. If they had not lost it they would not have found the massive cancer I told them I had for years. By the time they listened the whole breast had to go. I chose to lose the other one because by then I was terrified by it. Round and round it goes. Treatment lasted for four and one half years.

People who had a simple small lumpectomy come and tell me to breath. No chemo. No burns.

I haven't felt well for one day since this all happened. I can barely remember what feeling well is even like. I can, however, visualize I am well and try and fool my sensations that I actually am.
Magical thinking makes it worse for me the next day. I end up in bed for two days for every productive day I spend. Sometimes I make it for a week and end up in bed for a week.
When I am frustrated my pain tolerance goes down. So I breath and meditate until I am dry and brainless. And someone comes by and tells me to breath! And meditate! I visualize them far away!

Today I am bitchy and impatient with people's unrealistic expectations of me. I am impatient with my unrealistic expectations of myself and feel like packing in creative work altogether.

I just want one day without being told to breath! It will only escape my lips like a hiss!


arlee said...

I'll piss on 'em all fer ya, dear. Be yourself. Hugs.

material witness said...

Thanks. That actually helps!