Planning

I woke up this morning with the insane notion that I didn't want to do my art anymore. I made a little plan about how to get out of the studio with a little dignity and figured out how to pack up and give away all my stuff.... And then I remembered that I do this every time I am waiting for another surgery.

I will only give a few things away. Just enough to satisfy the urge.

I am afraid of the results of eye surgery. I am afraid of the recovery because of other experiences. I am tired of Doctors and testing. I just want my old life back.

There is this expression in the cancer world called "the new normal". It means adjustment and flexibility to a new life and situation. It would be so much easier if all memory of the old life was erased. But...I have been at this long enough that feelings of failure creep in when my actual accomplishments don't match my motivations.

Other artists have blocks and "metamorphosis" periods. I am not really blocked but energy impared and a bit overwhelmed.

There are things I can do. Joseph reminded me that this is always a good time to do research and drawing. Making patterns for projects previously explored. Just throwing dye on cloth or paint on paper. Taking some new cloth and just torching it for curiosity sake.

The other thing I could do is change my view and move the furniture to explore new shadows on the wall or new light reflections in the window. Put my face under water and hold my breath. Wrap yarn over my whole body and photograph what gets loose.

Persimmon Blackridge, a wonderful artist, is now very ill with kidney failure. She is looking for kidney donors who have type O blood type. Will try to find out more information or if there is anything I can do to help. More later.